wordsout by Godfrey
Rust
Homage au professor ←
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The
Naming of Professors
(after
T S Eliot)
(well,
not the naming of Professors after T S Eliot, because then they’d all
be called
T S Eliot, wouldn’t they, which would be rather pointless, but you see
T S
Eliot wrote this poem called The Naming of Cats, and this one is
written after
that, well, of course it was written after that because T S Eliot has
been dead
for thirty years hasn’t he? I mean everyone knows that, no, after means
its
kind of the same sort of thing but not quite, like this is about
Professors not
Cats, obviously, or else it wouldn’t be called The Naming of
Professors, would
it? Anyway - oh never mind)
To
name a
Professor requires a great tact
And much local knowledge of matters of fact.
A name used in one place without seeming cruel
Would elsewhere most surely result in a duel.
The English take decades and much loss of hair
Before they’ll let anyone sit in a chair,
But in France
every Thomas, Richard or Harold
is professeur before they
are vingt-cinq years old.
The Italians don’t test them on science or art
—
Anyone’s a professor who dresses the part,
And the Germans use Doctor,
or if I’ve got that wrong
then it’s something that’s seventeen syllables
long.
The Americans settle the matter of grade
very simply: it’s yours, just as long as
you’ve paid,
While in Oz they avoid ever choosing a prof
By just merging departments or selling them
off.
But place isn’t all you must reckon, for sure,
For time plays it part in this nomenclature
And the way you address each particular sage
Will depend very much on his (or her) age.
At thirty their pride won’t be damaged at all
If you greet them all chummy as Fred, Jim or Col,
(Unless you’re at Oxbridge, where it’s rather
put on,
And every professor I’ve met is called Don).
By forty, however, I’ve found it’s correct
To be treated with just a soupçon
more respect.
The appropriate mode, as you pour alcohol in
Is “Chin-chin, Alfred”, “Cheers, James” or
“Heres to you, Colin”
A professor at fifty is now quite well-known
And his foibles dissected by fax and by phone
So by now if a nickname is going to arise
He’ll be “Stinker”, or “Flatfoot” or “Old
Lizard Eyes”
(Though it has to be said these apply, as a
rule,
To the ones who have come out of that
kind of school).
At sixty from Melbourne
to Moscow
it’s normal
To address a professor in manner more formal:
Just plain “Brown”, “Wilkins”, “Duckworth” you
will get on well with
(Though of course if he’s French you confuse
him with “Smith”*).
By the time they retire, if they’ve lasted the
course,
They’ll be loved as you love an old cocker or
horse
So without any loss of prestige, after all
They will gladly go back and be Fred, Jim or Col.
But of all names you name him, the finest of
fine
Is the one that he graces when aged 69,
And from that day to this, when his name you
declare,
You must call him Professor
Extraordinaire.**
Written for
Colin Duckworth on his 69th birthday, July 1995.
* The punch
line of a joke
popular with the family at the time of writing. You'll just have to wonder.
**The French equivalent of Professor Emeritus, apparently.