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Gary (the fastest hoover in the west) 
For Gary Fenton, May 2011, celebrating 25 years as caretaker to St John's, West Ealing, to the "tune" of Ernie (the fastest milkman in the west)

When the rain is slowly forming a large puddle on the floor
and the vicar’s locked his mobile phone behind the prayer room door,
when the boiler’s gone on strike and we’re all shivering in the nave
and the Lounge is left in chaos from the Brownies’ late night Rave
then everybody’s thoughts will turn to just one single man
to restore our equilibrium if anybody can.
Who is this gentle giant so possessed of super power?
This quiet unassuming unsung hero of the hour—
His name is Gary! (Gary!)
And he’ll push the fastest hoover in the west! 

It's been 25 long years now since this young man came to town—
his mission it was clear: to stop St John's from falling down.
He was loyal and resourceful, he was kind and he was keen
and he loved the congregation so he went to Haven Green.
Vicars came and went and preached a sermon here and there
and church administrators gave themselves some fancy names and airs
but Gary knows the greatest way of ministering grace  
is to move white plastic tables up and down from place to place—
that’s the Gospel according to Gary! (Gary!)
And he’ll push the fastest hoover in the west! 

Now some people has a hobby, and others has affairs,
but Gary’s life revolves round the positioning of chairs.
When there comes a festive season, or we’ve a special cause to pray
you can guarantee we’ll rearrange the chairs in some new way.
Now Gary he’s patient man, he treats it as a jape,
and he marks the place where the rows begin with bits of coloured tape
because when all the fuss is over and the things is put away
if Enid’s armchair’s out of place he knows there’s hell to pay—
she’ll tell poor Gary (Gary!)
And he stacks the best upholstery in the west! 

When you wonder how the church is lit and the crypt is nice and warm—
Gary moves in a mysterious way his wonders to perform.
You’ll be thinking that you’re by yourself and there’s no-one there at all
and you’ll look around and silently he’s come right through the wall...
they say he knows some secret passageways of old St Johns—
they say he’s been in places where no vicar’s ever gone—
and some say he walks on water - a vital gift I’m sure
in a church that’s got a pond three feet beneath its basement floor—
No wonder he’s a Baptist! (Gary!)
He’s got the busiest mop and bucket in the west! 

Now Gary is a Green Machine, and I don’t take the Michael,
for he’ll travel anywhere to find a place he can recycle.
It borders on obsession, but this reason I have found:
he’s an agent for the Wombles—that’s why he’s always underground. 
And he’s loved by all the groups he serves on many different sides—
on Monday he strokes the Stroke Club and Tuesday guides the Guides,
on Wednesday opens Open Door, and Thursday nips to Snips,
and then on Friday—Friday—he’s got the AA groups on Friday*—
that’s Gary’s working week! (Gary!)
And he’ll push the fastest hoover in the west! 

But behind those modest features there’s a mind that’s going to read ya
and a memory that makes a mockery of Wikipedia .
He’ll tell you every record played by Radio 1 DJs
and the films that won the Oscars, and the quotes from Shakespeare’s plays.
Where does he get this talent from? We’ve long been in the dark,
but the mystery’s been revealed each Sunday morning now to Mark:
after quarter of a century his secret has slipped through
when they talk about the latest episode of Doctor Who.
How does Gary know his history just as if he had been there?
What can explain his eccentric dress and his wild unruly hair?
How does he come and go at any time of day or night?
Gary is a Time Lord come to Earth to put things right!!
That’s Gary the Master! (Gary!)
And the boiler room’s his Tardis, QED!

So Gary you’re the master when it comes to taking care,
not only for the building but the people who build there.
Today you are our hero and with love you’re being showered
(and very few know how well you can take off Frankie Howerd—Ooh no, listen).
So while vicars come and go and curates try to cope with shock
or when two ton Pete from Will-es-den comes calling on his flock
there’s one ever-present presence to whom we raise our present voice—
Here’s to Gary the unflappable—our caretaker of choice!
Let’s hear it for Gary! (Gary!)
And he’s pushed the fastest hoover in the west!

Performed after the morning service at St Johns, West Ealing on May 8, 2011, with occasional backing from members of the music group.

Gary  and Church Operations Manager Mark Parsons share a common passion for Doctor Who and discuss each new episode.

*briefly to the tune of Rebecca Black’s Friday, an internet phenomenon of the time.