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Mary Lazarus' Birthday Calypso
for Mary's surprise 50th birthday party, when she was recovering from chemotherapy, sung to a calypso tune.

Mary Mary, I heard the news, they were planning a big surprise,
they said it was your birthday, which was music to my eyes,
so I said to my wife, we got to drop everything because to miss this would rude
and it was absolutely nothing to do with the rumour James was paying for all the food. 

O Mary Mary I cant believe you are really 39,
you got such style and such panache and you always look refine
and you so organized with everything, it’s a sight that must be seen
when you lead your family into Saint John Church and its only 10.15. 

Well Mary Mary we know that lately hasn’t been a whole lot of fun
and sometimes it must have felt just like you got a marathon to run
but you got the care of your husband, and he’s the perfect helping man
cos you learn all you need to know about suffering when you’re a Queens Park Rangers fan. 

Well you cope like a star with everything, you got a lot to keep in gear,
there’s Susannah the fashonista, and Tally Sportswoman of the Year,
and with Thomas training for perpetual motion, you’d think that would be enough—
but when James started doing the cooking, then the going really got rough. 

Now Mary Mary, I found you out, I know you got a secret passion
and with your clothes and style we can see you are a dedicated follower of fashion
and they say that imitation is the finest flattery—
so I’m flattered that in choosing new hairstyle you should model it on me (oh yes!) 

But Mary something’s changing, you threw away your wig
and you come out here looking like a punk princess who does not give a fig.
Oh Mary Mary, so contrary, how does your hair still grow?
Please tell me whats your secret of your success—I really need to know! 

So Mary Mary this poor song of mine is the best that I can do
to tell you on behalf of everyone here how much we care for you.
On your birthday you must celebrate, you got food and drink and hair—
well you’ve had the drugs, now here’s the rock and roll—
              (I think I better leave it there…)

Performed at Carluccio's Restaurant in Ealing, 2006.