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Lament of the Parish Weekend Administrator
for Mark Rand. To the tune of “What A Friend We Have In Jesus” aka “When This Bloody War Is Over”.

When the Parish weekend’s over
I’ll go straight back home to bed,
Take an aspirin from the cupboard,
Put an icepack on my head. 

Time to make a new beginning—
Time to put the past behind—
You’d find so much more than Denmark¹
If you only read my mind.

All those lists of St Johns’ families—
All the paperwork and bills—
All the days lost from my loved ones —
All those evenings with Joan Hills—

All the notices on Sunday—
All the nights that I have prayed—
Now the Parish weekend’s over,
Still the Sheards haven’t paid².

Oh, the trials of pairing singles!
Oh, the tantrums and the glooms!
Oh, the phone calls after midnight!
Oh, the lack of single rooms!

Still I’m used to disappointment,
And I’m use to hope dismayed—
I have learned to hope and suffer
Every time that Brentford played.

Now the Parish weekend’s over
Never again I say with tears,
But like Steve Redgrave³ in his rowboat
I’ll see you back in two more years.

Performed at the end of the weekend in September 2000. 
¹A reference to the Saturday night entertainment where someone played a “mind reading” trick in which everyone was led to think of the answer “Denmark”. 
²This was entirely a shot in the dark, so I was delighted to find in fact that at this point the Sheards hadn’t paid.
³Redgrave won his fifth Olympic gold medal during this weekend, hence this otherwise random reference.